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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!