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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.