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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.