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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver