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You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
No pants are the best pants.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.