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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.