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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....