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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
It´s never to late to be happy
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.