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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.