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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.