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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.