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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
Better late than pregnant.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.