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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.