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I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
ROFL!!ā¦.. LOL jk iām still in my chair.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.