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Which wine goes best with more wine?
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.