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The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`