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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.