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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.