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I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5