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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!