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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things Iād go to hell for.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Life is fun! You should get one.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.