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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I need new swear words.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.