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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.