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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Don`t act like your not impressed.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway