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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.