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Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
I am used but in good condition.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.