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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much Iām going to eat this week.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: āI want you to treat me like a movie star,ā it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?