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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.