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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.