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96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I was told there would be kool-aid.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling