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"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
I drink because people talk.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend