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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store