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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.