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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.