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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Iām taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles