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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"