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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
If I were Noah, Iād be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)