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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.