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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.