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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.