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I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
What do women say when they are actually fine?
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.