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How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.