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I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.