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I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....