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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.