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I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.