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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.