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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
You are wasting your time reading this status.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!