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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?