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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Iām pretty much always down for a snack.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.