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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
is accepting applications. Needed someone to keep me from doing dumb stuff. See previous post.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....