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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.