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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.