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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.