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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.