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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.