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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks