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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.