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Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.