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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I have a black belt in leather
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong