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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?