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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa