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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
is ready to have one too many!