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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...