Daily Silly Status

It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.

Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.

In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.

I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.

Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.

Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.

I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.

So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...

I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired

I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?

I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.