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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity