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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
I wish I could veto MY bills.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.