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Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.