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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.