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I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!