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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.