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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
At least a stalker is there for you.
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...