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Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.