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If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....