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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.