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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.