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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Save water- shower with me!
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.