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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.