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I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.