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Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.