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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.