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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards