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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.