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Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
How do I like my eggs? ... Umm in a cake.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.