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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
Attention fuels immaturity
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Don’t believe everything you think.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.