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word of the day: nincomtard
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol