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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".