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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.