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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.