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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy