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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?