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Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.