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I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.