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I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.