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If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."