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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.