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My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.