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You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.