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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.