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I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.