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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
In space they just call it "Jam"
I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
sleep is for people without netflix
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??