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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.