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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."