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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.