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Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.