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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!