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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell